question

i am officially having a quarter-life crisis. How cliche. It’s one of those big, boringly-typical types where I am having a conflict of identity and a feeling that I need to make a giant, scary, veering turn to the right, far away from the path I’ve been walking down so far. cue that stupid song from “One Tree Hill”.

Why is it that we require so much validation and approval in order to make those big life decisions? Ok, I guess maybe everyone isn’t like that. There are some people, blissfully unfetered by social constraint, by obligation, by the idea that they need talent or money or intelligence to do whatever it is they want to do.  These are usually the people that spend months “backpacking in Europe” which I think is code for “smoking hashish and sleeping with dirty hostel tenants in Europe”. They’re the people that go to college for musical theater, after spending four years doing “props”.  They’re the ones that are always starting those shady internet-based supplement businesses or becoming stand up comedians.

They don’t care! Whatever it is in life they want, they do it. And I used to scoff at these people, laugh at their foolhardiness. Surely they’d end up miserable in the gutter with their MFA in Contemporary Lesbian Film. There’s no money to be made there! Of course, it’s much better to be like me, I’d think, with a sensible degree in cubicle anthropology and a minor in stapling. I’ll be the one with the solid paycheck and the 401K! I’ll be the one whose parents write about proudly in the Christmas letter (three paragraphs down, after a lengthy narrative about putting in the  new sewage tank).

But now, just a few years later, I am having my doubts.

I am at a point in my life where I have done every sensible thing that can possibly done, when I’ve listened to every conservative nail-biting voice in my head that has said, “That’s not practical! How will you make money? Buy the sensible shoes! Eat more fiber!”.  I’ve jumped through every hoop, I’ve initialed and signed, I’ve flossed. My God, I’ve flossed.

And after all that, all I can say is, “This is it ??? THIS is what I get for all my prudence and cautious judgement???”  There is not reward, no gold medal, no warm and fuzzy feeling. I just feel…unfulfilled. Like I haven’t lived up to my end of the bargain with God. I get the feeling he is looking down on me and going, “WTF, mate? That’s not what I wanted you to do!”

I feel this immediate need to stop what I’m doing write now and finally listen to what I want for the first time…ever. To stop brushing off my talents and passions as “hobbies”. To actually suck it up and just DO what I want to DO with my life.

But I can’t! I am utterly paralyzed by this need to have someone else essentially give me permission. I need someone to say, “Tai, you are a great (fill in the blank). You should pursue it! It’s the right thing to do.” Because apparently, I am incapable of making an autonomous decision. I am a puppet. I am at the mercy of your discretion. I am a coward. I am lame.

So that’s where I am right now. I am thisclose to just fucking DOING it already; I’m so almost possibly ready to stop whining and blogging and fretting and just go and do what I want to do with my life and my career. But I’m not quite there. Maybe the first step is to stop flossing?